Should I Stay, or Should I Go

We all know the scene in The Notebook when Lon proposes to Allie, and the moment that it happens, Noah's face pops in her head. She was still happy and in love with Lon, but for some reason, her love for Noah was still alive, no matter how hard she tried to move on. I think Allie and I are soul sisters.

No matter how hard I tried, or how many times I fought with my inner voice to move on and work harder at the current relationship that was slowly going south, my heart always won the fight in the end. I would have no choice but to leave.

Talking yourself into thinking a relationship is good, never ends well. Especially when you don't even wholly recognize your heart is with someone else. It also adds fuel to the fire when you move too quickly without even really knowing who that person is after the la la phase is over.

If I could do anything over again, I would have listened to my friends and family who knew me better than anyone. I would have moved in together first and let real life bring to the surface any personality issues we may have had. A bad temper or controlling nature usually doesn't surface when you have your own homes, personal space, and don't have the complications of a newly blended family. My gut tried to tell me this many times, but I never listened.

I can count on one hand how many times Hayley and I have ever gotten into a fight. Being that I had her when I was a teenager, we were more like best friends than mother and daughter. That is usually a great thing, but when she tried to stop me from getting married again after one year of being divorced from Greg, I didn't take it too well.

April 2010

Hayley and I climbed into my SUV together to head back to the resort. The rehearsal dinner was a success and the love from the two families that were about to become one was apparent. My family of four children was about to become six, and it was so sweet how they all got along so well. Picture perfect I thought.

The younger ones were staying at the house with my parents and would be coming back bright and early for all the wedding day festivities. I was happy the dinner went well, but I had this nagging feeling of something I couldn't put my finger on. Was it nerves? Was I just tired from everyone moving into my house the week before?

Was it the text I got from Greg earlier that day telling me he was happy for me, but that he was heading to the liquor store to get a bottle Grey Goose so he didn't have to think about it. He said he missed me, and hated what happened between us. What did that mean, and why was I feeling a way I should not be feeling the day before my wedding?

Hayley and I drove silently for a few minutes, then it all came pouring out like lava from a volcano that was finally erupting. She carefully chose her words at first, and I could tell she was trying to be as gentle with my feelings as possible.

I knew where this was going, and I didn't want to hear one word of it. Hayley was begging me not to do this, and that it wasn't too late to back out. Both of us were bawling by the time we got to the hotel, and it only got worse when we got back to the room we were sharing for the night.

Way down deep inside, I knew she was right. Those were the strange, nagging feelings I had been having for weeks leading up to this night. So many lives were about to be affected by what was happening tomorrow, and the responsibility of it all completely overwhelmed me.

We woke up the next day after only a few hours of sleep, both with dark, puffy eyes that no amount of makeup was going to hide. Hayley was right, but it was too late to turn back now as the make-up and hair girls were already knocking on the door.

Sarah Swindell's memoir, Rounding Home, is now available here! http://bit.ly/RoundingHome